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CASTLEGAR NEWS, Septombor 26, 1979

ee

GM and Maloney Pontiac Buick
introduce the cars of the ‘80s

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 27th

and as a special bonus Maloney Pontiac Buick presents

For three years now we have taken the gamble out of buying your next new car or truck.
So now for a limited time only, as a special bonus to you, we will give you a
“Fun In The Sun” vacation when you purchase anew 1979 or 1980 car or truck from us.

This is not a contest, it’s a bonus when you
purchase a new 1979 or 1980 car or truck from us!

The vacation offer is valid for two adults within 12 months.of purchase: date. Included are
accommodations and reservations. Transportation and meals are not included.
Alternate vacations are also available. Details vary with vacation chosen.

NY: THIS one IS FOR A parTeD TIME ONLY!

Living with differences and changing values

Third in a five-part series

place within you that deep-
ened your capacity for under-
ding al

{From “Elfectiveness ‘Tralaing for ecient by Linda

Adams it Eset Lenz. C
d with

ion of the .

Wyden Took ]

Consider these situations:
Your husband refuses to go to church with

U.
Your child uses language of which you

don't approve.

Your daughter decides to quit college and
join a dance group against your advice.

Your friend takes a “personal growth”
course whose philosophy you feel is

dangerous.
"+ Ask yourself the follow-

‘ing questions about these
potential conflict situations:

How is the other per-
son's behavior actually pre-
venting you from meeting
your needs?

Is there a tangible effect
of the other's behavior on
you?

Does the other person
believe that this behavior

-tangibly ‘affects you?

When our mutual needs

.are in conflict, we can neg-

otiate; adapt, compromise, so
neither party loses. We're
usually willing to charge.
behavior or try to find a
mutually acceptable solution
when we understand that our
behavior is having an un-
desirable effect, in some

tangible way, on people who ©

are important in our lives,

But when a difference is
deeply felt values is central
to the conflict, the situation
changes, Our resistance stif-
fens when we feel that our
behavior has no readily dis-
cernible or tangible effect on
the other. person. We call
such situations values colli-
sions. .~

Most values collisions
emerge from deeply -held
beliefs, opinions or personal
tastes, and many don't lend
themselves to a simple sol-
ution, *

People whoare willing
to negotiate about needs —
storage space at home, per-
haps, or a quiet place to

_ study, or an adjusted work

‘schedule — may see, no

-Yeason ‘to compromise on
. such issues of values as life-

“styles, morals,- religious or

“political beliefs, personal —
~~"! ¢aates or goals. “What I think

or believe is my business”
would sum up their attitude.

A. values collision,
though not uncommon, can
be a frustrating and painful
experience, particularly in
relationships that are impor-
tant to you.

The issue of values and
values collisions can be es-
pecially ‘painful for women.
Many women have been
encouraged or forced to
adopt values (or at least live
in accordance with values)
not their own because others
have had power over them.
This is true for several
reasons. Among. them are:

Women's financial de-
pendence on men, at home
and at work, -

A desire to get along,
keep the peace, avoid argu-
ing and fighting.

A lack of trust in their
own perceptions, ideas, opin-
ions and values.

‘As.a result, you might
find yourself:

_ Switching to your hus-

LEARNING TO LIVE
WITH DIFFERENCES
Do you find it hard to
accept someone who chooses
to be different from you, or
whose ‘view of -reality is
different from yours? Some-
one whose perceptions are
different from yours? If so,
why?
Must people be carbon
copies of you for you to like
them? The fact is you can be

i accepting of others. You can

band’s ‘religion or political
party.

Finally agreeing to move
to a new area which your
husband likes, but you don’t.

Reluctantly going on a
camping trip.

Having people for dinner
whom you ont particularly
like.

Going out with your
company’s clients, or behav-
ing sdductively at office
parties.

It is a healthy sign that
more and more women. are
gradually learning to trust
their own perceptions of
reality, and are gaining
strength and courage to
disclose and defend their own
values.

A great many values
collisions come about merely
because of a lack of communi-
cation, a failufe to disclose
yourself. Very frequently,

when you can clearly define a‘

values difference, one or both

of you learn\'Something'valu-'* ‘coi
‘able, sométhiig~“hmportant™ learning process and is gentir

that you didn’t know about
the other person. —

This step alone is often
sufficient to reduce or re-
solve the values collision.
When people can understand
how deeply others feel about
a value that they cherish and
live by, and how they came to
feel that way, they can
empathize and become more
tolerant of others’ values and
behavior.

You can probably recall
occasions in your life when
this happened. You may have
become friendly with some-
one who was extremely care-
ful about money, maybe to
the point of being stingy. At
first, her preoccupation with
money irritated you. As you
grew to know her better, you
learned that she had been
poor as a child. Then you
found you could accept her
frugality.
changed, and maybe never
would, but your view of her
— your attitude — was
altered. An adjustment took

She has not:

recognize that there will
always be value differences
between you and other peo-

ple.

‘There is much to be said
for learning to live with
values differences. Incompa-
tible values are by no means
necessarily a reason for
breaking up a friendship, a

or a 1

arguments of the opposing |
‘side.

You: can .question the
usefulness of your values and
re-examine critically their
true and current importance
to you. Are you clinging to
them out of habit or stub-
bornness — or do they really
sorve an essential purpose
for you now?

You can ask yourself _

whether you have’ exclusive
access to the truth about’
such’ matters as cultural
tastes, lifestyles, work hab-
its, religion, politics, dress,
morals.

You can examine whe-
ther you really like people in
general, or only particular
types of people. Do you auto-
matically reject the values of
people you don't like?

You can become more
accepting of: yourself. If you
like yourself, it'll be easier
for you to like others. If

relationship.

Nalue differences can
add ‘excitement, interest
and stimulation to our per-
sonal dealings. In some mar-
riages and people

you're with your-
self, you're likely to be rigid
and impatient with others.
You can learn more
about others who are differ-

ent.from you. There's plenty *

thrive on a lifetime debate
‘that’s never resolved, and
never loses its shellenge for
both parties.

MODIFYING YOURSELF:
CHANGING YOUR
OWN VALUES

When it’s clear to you
what the differences are, can
you reconsider your values
and perhaps move closer to
the other person's? Are you
willing to “try on” the other's
values and possibly make
some changes in the way you
think?

Modifying yourself is
really a form of self-develop-
ment. You're saying, in ef-
fect: “I have my own ideas,
but yours may be just as
valid, maybe more so. I'm
willing to listen — and be
open to them.” .

It is very. essential that
you do this . willingly. It's
important that your decision
to change a value-be based on
your desire to do so, not to
give in to (or accommodate)
someone else,” *

Self-modification is” ef-°

fective only when the change
comes about as: part of a

ine. Trying to force yoursél
to adopt attitudes. or. make
changes in yourself that are

not natural. :to. you will:

probably fail, and will have
destructive effects on you
and your relationships.

Clinging to outgrown
values keeps‘us from experi-
encing new. and exciting
ways of thinking and acting.
This does not mean that
values built up over a lifetime.
should (or can) be drastically
revised. It does suggest that
an open, accepting look at
new ideas is essential to
healthy growth.

Converting to another
religion or switching to an-
other political party are
fairly extreme ways of modi-
fying oneself. Slight, gradual
changes ‘are more common.
To modify yourself, consider
these possibilities:

You can change’ your

position on issues. Regard-:

.less of how convinced you dre
‘that your view is the correct
one, do some +h on the

of evid that .

someone better increases, lik- «

ing and acceptance, and de-
creases fear and rejection.

When you do want to
modify your values, it’s im-
portant that you -keep in
touch with yourself and the
changes taking place within
you. As one way of doing
this, you might want, to test
yourself from time to time to
see whether you “strongly
agree,” “agree,” “disagree,”
or “strongly disagree,” to
such value-laden statements
‘as:

A woman's place is in the
home.

‘Women are more effec-

tive in ‘dealing with young
children than men are.

Men and women should
have the same logal rights.

Quotas for equal employ-
ment of minorities and wo-
men should be required of all
employers.

Birth control devices
should be available to anyone
at any age.

Both husband and wife
should have an equal voice in
money matters, even if only
one has income,

Women are responsible

for their own oppression;
they can't blame men.

Men should have the
final say-so in major family
decisions. .

Ina divorce case, women
should get custody of the
children.

A woman should have

the right to have an abortion, |

Any sexual activity be-
tween consenting adults
should be allowed.

Would your reactions
have been the same five or 10
years ago? How can you
account for any changes that
have taken place in what you
believe? Who were the influ-
encers, the people who help-

Siamese twins:

marry and have
large families

The most famous of
conjoined twins were Chang
and Eng, born in Siam of
Chinese parents in 1911.
They became known as the
Siamese Twins when they
were exhibited in P.T. Bar-
num’s circus. Later they

. married and fathered 22 chil-

dren,

ed shape your present-day
values?

Who are the people in
your life today whose values
are incompatible with yours?
Can you live with the dif-
ferences? If not, can you

‘reduce those value differ-
ences: by becoming more
tolerant of their behavior?

PROBLEM-SOLVE THE

Besides modifying your-
self — or if you're unwilling
or unable to change — you
may want to try to get the
other person at least to
change his/her behavior, if
not, the value itself. This can
make the values difference
less upsetting and bother-
some to you.

However, when we set
out to try to change others
with whom we are having a
values conflict, we should
firet consider the risks. So
much of human behavior is
unpredictable that we. can
never be sure when we
attempt to change someone
where our efforts will lead.

~ Values are particularly
sensitive because people do

consider them so valuable, -

‘and perhaps even think of
them as immutable eternal
verities. There is always the
‘danger that a relationship
may be adversely affected
when you try to jar such
beliefs.

Examples of value con-
flicts that might be resolved
by problem-solving a change
in behavior are:

Your friend makes a
point of bringing her political
beliefs, which are opposed to
yours, into every conver-
sation. She values her pellets
and has no

CASTLEGAR NEWS, September 26, 1979
LAFF -A- DAY

“And how have you managed to combine
the roles of mother and account executive?”’

changing them, but agrees
not to talk about them so
much when you're together.

Your child’s room is not

up to your standards of neat- .

ness, so the two of you agree
that she keeps her door
closed so you don't see inside.
TRYING TO INFLUENCE
THE OTHER'S VALUES

Getting others merely to
shange their behavior may
not always be entirely sat-

isfactory to .you. You may’

still feel that it is important
toyou to change their values,
Many people have a “mis-
sionary urge,” the impulse to
improve the lives of.others.

- As in self-modification,
there obviously can be no
quick and easy ways to
change ideas that are impor-
tant to other people. Long
hours of study and counsel-
ling are usually required for a

In the realm of politics,
morals or personal taste,
people rarely switch from a
“conservative” to a “liberal”
position, or vice versa, with-
out undergoing a series of
experiences that gradually
bring about a change in their
values.

ALTERING THE
RELATIONSHIP

If none of your efforts
resolves the values differ-
ences so you and the other
person can live with the
differences, you may be
forced to change—or end the
relationship. Although this is
a very difficult decision to
make, it can have very

‘positive effects. Ending a

destructive, dissatisfyin,
lationship can be a big step in
achieving your own identity
and freedom to live in
accordance with your own
values and needs.

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